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whining

You won the lottery (you just didn’t know it)…

December 7, 2009

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Hey… you know, you really shouldn’t be here.

Think about everything that had to happen – exactly as it happened – in order for you to be alive, sitting here reading this right now. Even though I only got a C+ in Stats 101, I’m pretty sure that statistically speaking, the probability that you and I would come together here today is highly unlikely.

Go back in time 100 or 1,000 or 1,000,000 years, and try to imagine the unimaginable – the countless billions (trillions? quadrillions? frillions?) of events that had to occur exactly as they did so that you could be here right now. One missed traffic light. An extra minute on the phone. A left instead of a right. Everything changes.

Drunks shouldn’t swim

A young woman has plans to take a bus and meet some friends down by the river on a hot summer day. But something comes up last minute, and she cannot go. She bumps into her sister on the way out the door, and offers her the ticket and the chance to have a little fun. The sister declines at first, but then suddenly changes her mind, saying, “Ah, why not?” Later that afternoon, she meets a nice young man.

A few months later, they marry. The following year, they have twins – a boy and girl. Neither survive past age two. But a few years later, they have another baby boy. And he grows up to be my father.

A man heads home on a Friday evening after a long day’s work. He runs into an old friend who invites him to have a drink at the local gin mill. One drink becomes two, three, four… Hours later, the drunken man thinks it a good idea to go for a midnight swim in the swelling river despite the approaching storm – like only a drunken man would. The man is not a good swimmer. His lifeless body is fished out of the water the following day.

His widow is left behind to struggle for survival. She raises four children alone. Among them, a two-year old girl who would someday grow up to become my mother.

Winning the Cosmic Lottery

The people who came before us suffered and sacrificed. They got just lucky enough and endured just long enough so that chance could work its magic and we could join in the game for a short while.

The world is far from perfect, but I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be right now. Cheap, readily available vaccines and antibiotics now prevent and cure illnesses that would have killed you just 50 years ago. Sending a message to loved ones cross-country used to take months, while video teleconferencing now brings people together instantly. Traveling between Europe and America once took weeks, and you’d be fortunate to survive the trip. It now takes just a few hours (but the food is still awful).

I feel freakishly lucky to be here now, enjoying the ride. And every time I hear my children laugh, I am reminded of this. The next time you’re feeling down about yourself, about life, remember this:

The fact that you’re here right now is nothing short of a miracle.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very badly. Wars, disease, asteroids, grizzly bears – so many things can go wrong. But so many things had to go right, and did go right for us to be here right now.

Yes, things don’t always go as planned. So what? Pick up the pieces, learn from your mistakes and move forward. You are here and it is now. All the rest is fluffery. So, the next time you catch yourself complaining, stop, and give thanks for having won the cosmic lottery.

But whatever you do, just don’t waste this amazing gift…

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When life gives you lemons, ask for salt and tequila…

November 9, 2009

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Clichés are great. When you have nothing intelligent, original or insightful to say, you can always resort to some tired old line that gets more use than a strip club ATM machine.

I know a few people who are guaranteed to respond in cliché-speak, regardless of the question or occasion. They’re all pleasant enough people. But when speaking with them, within ten seconds, I usually find my mind wandering off to thoughts of chocolate or beer or leprechauns:

ME: “Hey, John, I heard you’re about to close a big deal!”

RESPONSE: “All in a day’s work. Just gotta dot the I’s and cross the t’s.”

ME: “Um. Ok. So where’s your girlfriend? I hear she’s out of town?”

RESPONSE: “Ahhh… Women, can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em. Don’t wanna rub where there’s already a rash.What can you do? Life is life. But while the cat’s away the mouse will play.”

ME: “Uhh, right. Still planning to get married?”

RESPONSE: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free!?…”

Now, I realize this is a normal exchange between most guys. Clichés do have their place. There are times when you don’t really feel like going beyond the small talk. But unless you’re a professional athlete (“They had our back against the walls, but we gave it 110% and took it one game at a time…”),  if you want to be taken seriously, I implore you to choose your words more carefully.

Other than telling the world, “I have nothing interesting or original to say, so I’ll say something trite instead,” the bigger problem with clichés is that the more we hear and repeat them, the more power they gain – and the more believable they become. We’ve heard them as far back as we can remember. And since our parents and teachers drilled them into our skulls, they must be true – right?

So I’ve got a bone to pick with the metaphorically-challenged. It’s not just that cliché overuse reveals a conspicuous lack of depth and makes the user sound like such a big dope. I’m troubled by the fact that these sayings make their way into the public consciousness. People now believe and repeat these things over and over without ever really thinking about them. And believing without thinking has been known to lead to trouble. Whether it’s a cliche, old adage or aphorism (“Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see.”  – Mark Twain), unquestioning belief in conventional wisdom can be dangerous to your health, wealth and well-being.

The biggest offenders are often the ones we hear and repeated the most often. For example, those in the know will tell you, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know that matters.” I hear people bitching all the time about things like, “The promotion went to someone else who plays poker with the boss,” or, “The contract was awarded to the guy whose brother-in-law’s neighbor painted the VP’s house.”

But in actuality, what you know does matter. And who you know? Well, yes, that matters a whole bunch indeed. But whether you have a job, a career or a business, it’s what you know about selling what you know that matters most. What good is all that education if you can’t figure out how to get yourself into a position where you can do what you do best?

Let’s say you get your specialized degree. You learn a lot of useful information, you gain valuable experience. But what happens if you don’t know how to sell yourself to a company or organization where you can best be compensated and your talents properly utilized? You may end up in an unfulfilling job that pays less than someone with your abilities should be capable of earning.

Acquiring the right knowledge is important. Knowing well-connected, influential decision makers in your industry is important. But you also need to know how to sell yourself (or your products/services) to these people when you meet them. If necessary, acquire what you need to make things happen. If you need to get more knowledge, get it. If you need to know the right people to get ahead, then figure out a way to meet them.

Just don’t let an old cliche be a crutch or excuse that keeps you from doing what you want to do.

And remember not to count your eggs before they’re hatched, because it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…

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Attention Cry Babies: Whining isn’t going to help you make more money

November 6, 2009

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Do you ever catch yourself saying things like:

“My boss / client doesn’t pay me enough to do this work.”

“Those cheap bastards didn’t want to give me a raise!”

“No one will pay me what I’m worth.”

“I can’t find enough customers!”

If so, poopie pants on you. I do feel your pain, but crying about it won’t help. Honestly, nobody cares. You can complain. Or you can do something about it.

Here’s the truth…

Your compensation is now, and will always be, based on these four factors:

  1. Your ability to solve problems
  2. Your ability to solve the right problems
  3. Your ability to create value for your customers or employer
  4. How easily you can be replaced

Do you think it’s fair that some professional atheletes make more money in one day than teachers, police officers and fire fighters make in an entire year? (Hey, when’s the last time A-Rod saved a child from a burning building?)

If so, here’s your problem:

Fairness is an illusion that exists only in your mind.

It doesn’t matter if we think it’s fair or not. The simple fact is that multi-zillionaires like A-Rod and LeBron are able to solve a problem that few other people in the world can solve: They help their boss make more money.

A-Rod’s boss has a problem. He needs someone who can field, run, score and hit a 100mph fastball over a wall 420 feet away on a regular basis. Since the boss has money to burn, the laws of supply and demand dictate that the person who can solve these problems for the boss will write his own ticket.

Given his strengths, abilities and training, it is the right problem for him to solve. He is not easily replaced. He creates value for the boss (at least this year). The products the boss sells (tickets, merchandise, licensing and endorsement deals, TV rights, etc.) become more profitable, and he gets rich while the boss grows wealthy.

So you think you’re a problem-solver? Good for you! But are you solving the right ones? Are you training for a future where you’ll be a useful, valuable presence? Or are you a full-time slacker, biding your time thinking you can coast through until retirement?

If you’re not making yourself a more efficient and effective problem-solver, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Here’s what I have my kids practice whenever they start acting lazy, or complaining about something being too hard. It’s very inspiring, and gives them a good idea of what their future might be like if they don’t snap out of it.

Try it for yourself:

  1. Make a loose fist, and place your hand about 6-8 inches in front of you at belly button height, palm-side up, sort of like you’re holding a knife in the direction of an approaching bear.
  2. Slide your hand and arm forward and away from you, at a slight downward angle – sort of like you’re trying to stab the approaching bear.
  3. As you do this, lift your arm a bit and rotate your wrist so your fist is now palm-side down. You stabbed the bear, and now you’re lifting it off the ground and flipping it over.
<p>You want fries with that?</p>

You want fries with that?

Got it? Good.

But I have a confession. I’m not really forcing my kids to practice killing bears with their, uh, bare hands. There really isn’t much demand for that kind of expertise. So instead of a knife, now imagine you’re holding a spatula. Like the ones they use to flip burgers at your favorite fast food restaurant.

While pretending to improve their mad burger-flipping skillz, I also have my children repeat the all important accompanying catch phrase: “You want fries wit dat?”

Let’s take a look at the long-term potential for those considering a career in burger-flipping…

Fast food restaurant growth is soaring. Americans love cheap food that causes a variety of disease. This means more jobs available in most communities. [GOOD]

But at the same time…

As the economy continues to go down the toilet, the glut of unemployed people in search of easy paychecks will soar due to their inability to solve more important problems. Competition for these gigs means lower pay, infrequent raises and living in constant fear of being replaced by a younger/better-looking burger-flipper. [BAD]

So, it’s a toss-up.

The other option for dealing with the economic downturn (that isn’t going to improve much any time soon) is to focus on developing problem-solving skills that will be useful in any economy. The two biggest problems we have right now are:

  1. “How can I sell more _________ ?”
  2. “How can I save more money?”

If you can show a proficiency in either, you will always have a job, and you will be first in line for a promotion or raise when things do finally turn around.

If you can help your customers sell more stuff, make more money, or save more money, you will always have customers. They will beat a path to your door.

If you’re not making enough money in your current job or business, figure out a way to make yourself indespensible. Everyone has problems that need to be solved.

Just make sure you’re solving the right ones…Living up to your potential?

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